this is fact not fiction

everything could feel this way forever

exactly this time last weekend, S and i did something stupid. we drank wine like we were drinking shots. two bottles of sauvignon blanc. and a jug of sangria. and then accordingly the aftereffect was like a bus crashed into my face and then we were just drunk fools. fools. i can’t say it enough. fools. 

foolish because i am not the same inebriated person i was before. i used to be happier with alcohol. wouldn’t puke or anything just really chatty and looking out for other people and telling the people who matter that i love them (and i really do). but everything has changed since. i am practically a seasoned vomit-er now. it’s always on the verge of happening. i know how to make myself do it now. ever since i’ve tried to stick a finger down my throat i’m always feeling like i’m about to barf. and then when other chemicals heighten all the senses in my brain and it’s like my senses do a rollercoaster and now every other alcohol related night ends in vomit

also i am beginning to turn into a sorrowful and sobby mess after drinking. i wail my eyes out while walking on the cold street not really knowing where i’m going. or call my friend and want to sleep in the bathroom. the worst kind. the stories aren’t memorable or interesting anymore they just get weirder. 

i don’t feel like it anymore. i don’t feel like doing this anymore. i’m not afraid of it, i just don’t like it anymore. 

S and i were on the street and when i’m in that state I always talk about how i am really nice and how i love people and how i truly am a nice person but misunderstood sometimes (i do realise now how completely self absorbed i am)

“you’re a nice girl…. with issues” 

“WHAT”

-

“what issues do i have?” 

“nothing, just kidding” 

“no no no! what do you mean? what do i have?” 

“issues u got issues girl” 

“what?” 

-

tired of being that girl

and can i just express the sentiment that the people (friends and lovers) i have loved immensely have broken my heart and left me at some point 

i keep having these friendships…. and then i keep breaking friendships

like i was never meant to be close to anyone